On the Upbeat, Positively Carolan

We all want …

I recently heard something profound … that we all desperately want to be known and loved for who we really are. The remark keeps etching itself deeper and deeper into my psyche.  For so many reasons …

As a complex sensual/sexual woman, finding people who even want to know me for what I am has been a lifelong struggle. And unearthing a special man who will accept me for what I am is incredibly difficult. Then trying for loving what I am — well, I don’t know if that is possible.

Actually I wrote about some of it in a novel …

Edouard picked up a photo album from the coffee table and proceeded to thumb through the essence of Gena’s life. Kinky-haired two-year-old, trippy teen, sultry honeymooner, grinning fatty. “Always so happy.” The West Indian looked up.

Without thinking she snapped, “That’s my family for you. And this country for that matter. Where the female of  the species is taught to be pretty, agreeable, perfect. And forever seeking assurance that we are those things. Never sad, never afraid, never the aggressor, wanting sex when we want it. And certainly never angry. The gods forbid angry! We are forever lost little puppydogs, wiggling our very selves away in search of love.”

Edouard looked pained. “Your culture IS unforgiv­ing.”

Good word, “unforgiving.” It can certainly be affirmed that the predominantly Caucasian American culture we live in is indeed unforgiving. It prefers cookie-cutter people who go along to get along. Who neither question authority nor quest for honesty, for objective truth.

But me — I have asked WHY since I was born! And I’m also cerebral, creative and simply must express myself in myriad ways. I read, I travel, I learn history, I take photographs, listen to and share music, communicate (blogging, writing essays, fiction, etc).

Most important, I stay optimistic and forward-looking, am easily exited and, in lieu of that special man who knows and loves the real me, I pleasure myself!


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