On the Upbeat, Positively Carolan

On Mother’s Day

MomOn Mother’s Day the year I would turn 49 I wrote my mother (turning 69) a long letter. In retrospect rather a mind-blowing letter. But tell me what you think of the thoughts spelled out here:

Ok, no funny card, or sentimental card, either one. Because I think it’s important to say some specific things — just from me to you and nobody else ever.

Every day I thank God or whoever for having you as my mother! It becomes clearer and clearer to me that, while the environment, the times, etc. have played a part in who and what I am, the indisputable fact is that heredity has played an enormous part.

Consider that I have a father with so much natural creativity, musical sense and likeability that it boggles the mind. Then consider the fact that I have a mother with extraordinary strength — hard-headed, no-nonsense, bottom-line sensibility and absolute iron-willed determination. A dynamite combination here!!

It’s taken me nearly fifty years to begin to put it all together in workable form. And I do know that you’d like my life to be happy, easy and cause neither of us any stress. But maybe it’s necessary that I go through the current bottom-of-the-barrel phase in order to test my beliefs, my stick-to-it-iveness.

Not sure if you realize how much smoother my life would be with some financial help. You got really excited that I’ll be on TV, but you gave no thought — like most people — to the sacrifices that the producer of Out-n-About and I are going through in order to present something good and that we believe is needed by the public.

Annoyance aside, one thing I’m sure of is that you, my dear mother, have a lot of good qualities and talents that you’ve never really gotten to explore, expand, run with. I know it was the times and all, but please accept the fact that I believe you’ve never valued yourself as highly as you could/should have.

I feel blessed that you sacrificed much so that I had the freedom to grow and develop, to become what was there innately. Yes, it seems hard for this family to express love, and I don’t suppose this will change. We don’t reach out, touch, say nice things to one another. I wish we could. But I’m as embarrassed by that stuff as you are. I am glad that I can at least write it!

I want to say that I will always love you both and I will miss you immensely when I no longer have you to tell about all the nutsy things that happen in my crazy life! Ok, I know you’re crying by now but you’d never ever admit it! I’ve told friends that I have this mother who gets goose bumps at the Star Spangled Banner and cries in sad movies but always pretends she has no soft emotions. That’s a tough place to be.

I know, because in both of my marriages I felt I had to be strong all the time because they were weak. After counseling I get it that to be whole I have to give vent to all those tender, loving, sensual, sexual, female urgings. And much of my writing comes out of that softness, that vulnerability, that willingness to go out on a limb and risk having it sawed off in front of me.

I know that you can never completely know me nor I you. But I appreciate you so much — more and more and more. Happy Mother’s Day and every day!

I love you,
Carolan

 

 

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